Thursday, February 26, 2009

An open letter to my cellulite

Dear Cellulite,

You, yes you. You were not invited here, I wish you would leave. As the weather is warming up I tried to take you out for a long walk and lose you. Yet, you followed me the and found your way home. When you trail me you don’t even do so quietly. You draw attention to yourself by sticking out from under my coat, shirt, and panty lines screaming things about pasta and bread to all passersby. You are a freeloader. You cling on despite the many ways I have tried to make you go away. There was yoga, ellipticals, hand weights and Wii fit. Still, you clung on.

You, cellulite, are also being territorial and not making room for muscle. When I exercise I have to wear long pants and shirts because of you. It is hard to build muscle when I am about to pass out from overheating. If you were not there I could work out in skimpy, little items that would be more conducive to exercise and welcoming muscle on my body. I imagine this is your goal. I find your actions selfish and self serving.

I have tried to compromise. When I get hungry late at night I did not starve you. I instead ate chick peas or a nice piece of fruit. Gone are the days of an entire jar of peanut butter and awaking to find my whole kitchen empty. Yet, there you are. I have moved from my once comfy jeans and slinky sleeveless tops to an almost entirely knit wardrobe to accommodate your expansive needs and you insist on being the center of attention in those too. How much more can I give? You cellulite are just too needy. This is your eviction letter in writing. Please find a new home, your freeloading days are over here. I will forward to you a list of ex-coworkers and former classmates that I feel would be a good match for you to take up residence.

Your current landlord


  1. I'm totally writing a letter to my cellulite tonight too. I'll try anything.

  2. you crack me up! let's try to ditch ours tomorrow on a long walk down a winding trail....